Hello blog world, I’m back. ;)
I’ve been thinking lately a lot about body image and plastic surgery. I’m 181 lbs (give or take a pound depending on the day). I’ve lost 141 lbs since my heaviest. I’m good with where I am, but like most achievers, I continue to strive for better. Stagnation is difficult for me. I feel like it breeds complacency and laziness. I don’t like that I haven’t been able to make it to the 170s. I get frustrated that I allow my life to be chaotic sometimes. Drowning in indulgences, I often lose myself.
That’s life, right?
I have a lot of goals I would like to achieve. Some of them are out of my hands. Things I want, but I can’t force (not saying that I haven’t tried). For instance, I want to find a partner and have children. At this point in life, I don’t see that being a secret or something I can’t talk about. I’m ready. I’ll be a great mom and a caring partner. I just haven’t had too much luck in the love department. I attribute this to the fact that I continue to date emotionally unavailable & ambivalent men. I don’t know how to solve this one. So I won’t. It’s out of my hands. If it happens, it happens, right? And if not, I have to move onto plan B: Adoption or plan C: suckering someone into impregnating me and be a single mom. This is probably the easiest option on the front end (that’s what she said), but in the long term, not ideal. Plan D is steal a kid.
Another goal: I want to save for plastic surgery. If I had the money, I would:
- get a boob job
- tummy tuck
- skin removal on my arms
- lazer hair removal almost everywhere (nobody wants to shave all the time)
Now most of this is not in the cards cause I don’t have money like that…and it is also in competition w/ my traveling goals. You can’t have two really expensive goals when you work at a non-profit (even if you’re running the show). So, I need to figure out alternative ways to combat these things.
Alternative #1: Spend way more time at the gym trying to tighten things. I have some hope that this can improve my body image situation, however there are just some things I have NO hope about. I dont’ think my arms will ever really be ideal. I saw a picture from a while back and I had HUGE arms. So…that skin is screwed. I did call my insurance company and a tummy tuck may be covered. I need to do a bit more research on this but this may actually happen in the near future.
Alternative #2: Say fuck it and force myself to learn to love all aspects and imperfections that make me who I am (excess skin, excess fat, excess baggage and all). Probably the hardest options. How do you change your own mind? How do you change YEARS of negative body image? I can’t remember the last time I looked in the mirror and wasn’t overly critical of what I looked like. It had to be pre-teen years, when I was too oblivious to care. And being critical of myself doesn’t mean I’m unhappy with myself. I have made SOOOO much progress. I recognize that. I am proud of myself for that. But the achiever in me wants more, wants better, needs new goals. I don’t know why, in my head, accepting myself as I am is equated with stagnation.
This isn’t a life altering blog. It’s me writing out loud; processing publicly the way good externally motivated people do.
For now, I’m plugging along. I have been doing C25K which is kind of perfect for me. I’m not a runner. I don’t ever think I will be, but this application helps me set goals. When I’m tired of making so many decisions, it kind of makes it for me.
So, as of today. This is me. 
This is probably the least clothes I’ve ever worn for a picture. It’s my bold move for the day. 
Those of you who have never been fat, you have no idea what I’m talking about. You’ve been rocking skimpy clothing for a while. Big girls, you know what I’m talking about. Exposing yourself and your flaws is not easy. I spent 15 years of my life hiding or trying to camoflauge my external self, masking it w/ laughter and black clothes. Two years ago, I had just decided to make an appointment to talk with the doctor at the Weight Loss clinic at Fairview; I can truly say, I have come a long way. My life is changed for the good. So, for today, I’m choosing Alternative #2: Fuck it. This is me.
clarelockman
August 24, 2011
Wow, Minerva, I am blown away! 141 pounds is nothing to sneeze at; the most I have ever lost was around forty pounds and it took incredible focus and endurance. It’s interesting to read about this side of you, because I have always perceived you to be a beautiful and very self-assured woman, and have even tried to pull off some of your confidence myself. It’s great to know that, however all of us are on the outside, we all have some insecurities and ways in which we wish we could be better. That being said, my first impressions of you are very true, and I think you should keep your natural beauty in mind when thinking of your choices with surgery. (My two cents…)
misscarisma
August 24, 2011
Thanks for the words, Clare. I’m typically on the fake-it-til-I-make-it path. Other surgeries are probably not in the cards for me and I’m ok with that. I think it’s ok to indulge in fantasies about it. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be super fly and fit and tight all over, right? But I’m happy w/ my progress. And you seem very confident to me…you’re amazing!
Chantel
August 24, 2011
You know I read your blog n want to always go to you n hug you.. U look great and have done a wonderful job .. The fuck it attitude is the best one to have. My reason for this opinion: I had the opposite issue. As you know I grew up skinny..wearing skimpy clothing and quite conceited then I had children and gained excessively. My self esteem dropped, I didn’t want to look at myself in a mirror n so fourth. It took me some time to rebuild, get over that I have to change my style of dressing and love me for me. Would I get a tummy tuck n boob job HELL YEAH… I face the fact tho this is me.. I need to lose a good amount tho for my health and applaud your hard work bc my laziness holds me back.. Continue on being so great n that great man will come, their is a destiny for all of us and if you have to go to plan D I have a squad for you to choose from.. I love you n I love your blogs.. I also love the minimum clothing… We judge ourselves harder than others would n must stop that… Muahzzz
misscarisma
August 24, 2011
Oh believe me, when I say Plan D…all of your nenas come to mind. I miss those girls. As much as I love living in Minnesota, I am also knowing that I miss having family around. I love you so much. I was looking at the pictures that have been posted up lately from the family and have been reminded of how much we are are simultaneously changing and staying the same. Your spirit is just how I’ve always remembered it. We change and grow in other ways — physically, mentally and emotionally. I have to say, it is hard to be a woman in this world. We are taught to judge our bodies at such an early age. It sticks with us for life. I think we spend out adulthood trying to undo all the screwed up lessons we were taught as children.
Chantel
August 24, 2011
I have to agree with you… We are the same n different all in one.. The views we are given as children and those of society is what messes us up. I am reading a book called a woman in love with herself and it states just that. It’s a great book. I focus inn teaching the girls now they are beautiful n what other people think mean nothing it’s what they think. Whats said is women are judgmental of themselves early… They find issues in themselves that I have to say your legs are gorgeous.. U r not fat… Basically us women are never satisfied… Lol
Krystal Travis
August 24, 2011
I was told to check out your blog by Joel M., I am glad I did. This is a very inspirational blog. You may feel you are just speaking up for larger women, but just being a women with external flaws, especially since they are on my face. I can relate. But like you said “Fuck it. This is me.”
Keep writing, this just made my day.
misscarisma
August 24, 2011
Krystal, thanks for reading! I’m glad that it speaks for other people as well. I know I target it towards bigger girls, but I’m glad it is more versatile than that. You are such a beautiful woman…we are and one day I hope to say that about myself and believe it through and through. I’m getting there. I hope everything is well with you!
MK
August 24, 2011
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this entry!!! You say everything that I deal with everyday… and struggled in life from time to time depending on the day! But it’s true what you said… and to be honest as long and of how much I’ve known you… I am exceptionally proud of you and your progress in life. To be honest… sometime… I wish I can hide it (maybe you are not hiding) but/or be as bubbly and out going like you. Envy the way you can carry yourself through a crowd!!!
misscarisma
August 25, 2011
MK!!! I didn’t know you read my blog. Thank you and I’m glad that it spoke to you. I just say what’s on my mind and hope no one hates me for it. And there is absolutely no reason for you to hid, but I can completely understand the desire. I hide in so many ways. I’m working on it. Even my bubbliness is a hiding tactic. If people can love me for my personality, no one will pay attention to my body (or at least that’s the thought process). I’m a good actress sometimes. I think that in this world, sometimes we have to be…as long as we’re still working out our inner demons anyways. Stay strong, beautiful woman!!!
Tamara Castillo
August 24, 2011
Holy crap Minerva 141 lbs! I am the skinny girl who doesn’t understand what it is like to be a big girl but I do know what it is like to reach a goal! IMPRESSIVE! You should be beyond proud of yourself and you look amazing nothing to hide at all!
I love reading your blogs!
Tamara
misscarisma
August 25, 2011
Tamara, thanks for the support and for reading. How’s your beautiful family doing?
Kelly
August 25, 2011
Min,
Every time I read your blog I end up crying my eyes out. You are such an amazing and inspirational person. You have achieved so many things in your life, so many amazing things. I am so proud of you. There is one thing I do disagree with though. You mentioned that you tend to date emotionally unavailable men. This you said you ‘can not change this.’ This I disagree with. With work you can pinpoint those ‘characteristics’ that attract you to those men. You will be able to stop it before its too late. You deserve more than that. You deserve a man that worships the ground you walk on. That RESPECTS you and makes you feel loved! Dont sell yourself short.
I love you so much. You are my sister, my best friend, mi hermana del alma. … Thank you for being YOU!
misscarisma
August 25, 2011
I agree. I guess that was a fairly dismissive/passive statement on my end. I guess I’m more frustrated with who I actually attract. Not many smart, educated, caring, gentle, challenging, emotionally available men approach me. That’s what I don’t know how to change.
I love you too and am glad you moved your butt back to Minnie! You have helped to “make” my summer and you know how much strength I get by my SS.