4 weeks ago today, I was scared shitless (excuse my language, but that’s how I felt).
DISCLAIMER: Although this was also the day that I had to clean out my “system” w/ magnesium citrate, there really is no pun intended.
Today, I can officially say I am not scared anymore. Each day, I wake up and think — I can do this. Because I can, and I have. This is not to say that I have done it alone. I have been extremely blessed with support and love. And the more I get more comfortable with my new life, the more I realize that people are less judgmental about this than I had originally expected.
When I first started this journey, I was very selective about who I told. And for good reason. I had a lot of people being very critical about my decision to move forward with gastric bypass surgery, but now that I have done it — they have to accept it, right? I talk about it more openly to anyone who asks. It is better live in the open than to live with a lie.
And my body is definitely changing. I can notice a difference in my energy, in the way cloths fit and in the way that I see myself. I used to look in the mirror and think — that can’t be me. Or I would see a picture and disgustingly think “I look like that?” I have a LONG way to go, but I’m beginning to love me more and that’s progress.
I have a truly busy week and a half ahead of me. First, I get to start off with semi-solids. I have already started a little (yesterday) with Swedish meatballs. I ate two and those went down well. I was just really wanting something more than baby food consistency and figured I’d give it a shot. Everything worked out well.
Second, my girls are coming into town. Becoming an adult in a college environment is bittersweet in many ways because those people that you grow attached to, tend to move on in their lives. I pride myself on having very ambitious, strong and independent women friends in my life. Unfortunately, this means that they sometimes leave. But this upcoming week we’ll be reunited. It’ll be the first time they’ve seen me since before the surgery — last time, was Halloween 2009 when I was an 80s Fairy.
[I was about 293 then. I’m down 42lbs since then…And I remember at the time walking around downtown and feeling so out of place. I was the biggest girl in my crew and since Halloween is all about sexy, I just didn’t feel right. Not to mention that I was typically a casualty of drunken verbal stupidity. People tend to say mean things to the fat girl in a Halloween costume. Sorry for the Big Girl rant, maybe Halloween 2010 will be better. ]
Anyways, I am uber excited about reconnecting with my ladies.
I probably won’t write tomorrow, but here are the official stats:
Total Weight Lose: 71lbs
Total Weight Lose since 1/14 (surgery): 20lbs
Current weight as off this morning and the fair weather friendship I have with my scale, Red: 251.4
I’m still a big girl, but I’m not a scared big girl.
Skinny Dreams 
Alissa Rich
February 11, 2010
Minerva great blog! remember you a daughter of the king and you are such a beautful woman big or small. Your are such a blessing and I am glad you are feeling more empowered. i love you and that contagious smile. 🙂
misscarisma
February 11, 2010
Thanks Alissa. I do need to be reminded sometimes that even when I don’t love myself God loves me…sometimes I think the harder part is accepting that love.
Tamara
February 11, 2010
Minerva,
I read your blog and I am so proud of you! I know it has been forever since I have spoke to you or saw you to be exact since 1999! But you are incredible for the strength to dedicate yourself to better health by whatever means necessary! Inspirational!
Good for you and you look great in your pics!
Tamara
misscarisma
February 11, 2010
Tamara — thanks for the support. Yes, it has been so long, but I love that the internet allows me to peruse people’s pages and lives from a distance. You, but the way, have an oh so cute family! Adorable!
Xai
February 11, 2010
“I’m beginning to love me more and that’s progress.”
Love yourself always… you’re an amazing woman Minerva! You are everything you describe your girls. “When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends (Japan)”. Big or small, you are still Minerva.
Although I have not seen you for a while, I can still hear your cute laughter =D
Take care!
❤ Xai
misscarisma
February 11, 2010
My laughter is pretty distinct, right? lol. Thanks for the kind words Xai. You, me and D’Allen are gonna have to get together for lunch sometime soon…I’m on soft solids right now, so my options are growing…
wanda vue
February 11, 2010
Minerva,
You super, I really enjoy reading your blog. What a journey of life and living it! oh..and…the weight lose is a PLUS! Keep it up sista!
much love from your UB student.
Wanda
misscarisma
February 11, 2010
Wanda, thanks for reading for for being supportive. You should come stop by my office sometime so we can catch up…love ya!
Chones
February 11, 2010
Hi babe. Halloween. Yeah. I appreciate the BIG GIRL RANT – I usually don’t and maybe I should. But like you – I don’t like to be a victim so I don’t talk about it but it sucks sometimes. You are always listening for the little comments because you know they will come. And it seems that maturity and age bring no wisdom most of the time and certainly no regard for other peoples feelings. I can still remember all the comments from every kid growing up and it doesn’t hurt much anymore but certainly something I will never forget. Finding strength in your honesty now if I can just put that into action in other aspects of my life – we will be indestructible!!! XOXO chica and see you in a few days!!!
misscarisma
February 11, 2010
Yea, it is interesting because it is really hard for me to explain the cruelty to people. But if is definitely a social norm for people to say mean things to big people. It has probably done more internal damage than so many of the other crazy things I had to put up with in my life. So, when skinny people say, hey, “you should love yourself however you are,” — sometimes that is easier said than done. It’s hard to fully love yourself when you are replaying those mean words in your head like a broken record. This isn’t to say it is not possible, it is just hard. We have to combat those words with love and surround ourselves with people who know us inside and out. That’s why I am blessed to have such an amazing familia (blood and not).
Dani
February 11, 2010
You said u were selective about who you told about your surgery and I remember when u told me. I felt special because you shared that info with me and I could tell it was very personal. Reading your blog now has reminded about the details of the convo that we had and I’m happy you did this. I don’t know why some people would try to throw haterade in your kool-aid especially if they understood why it had to be done. I know what it feels like to undergo physical changes and try to keep your heart and mind up with those changes. Ur doin great and I’m here for you just like your here for me. Keep up the good work girl. With God nothing is impossible and each day gets better! Love ya girl!
misscarisma
February 11, 2010
Danielle, I know we’re not the best with keeping in contact all the time, but you’re my girl and I love that you got my back. You’re gonna do great in your recovery as well. Love ya!
William Carpenter
February 11, 2010
It takes a lot of courage to do what you are doing Minerva. Remember as long as you are doing it for YOU, that is what matters. Regardless of what you do people will be negative about it, but stick to your dreams.
misscarisma
February 11, 2010
Thanks Will. It took me a while to realize what it was that I wanted. I do so much for everyone else, but this is perhaps one of the first real things I did for me. It has been a good decision so far. How’s wedding planning going?